Birthday, is it happy?

You arrive in Rotterdam on your own to work, knowing very few people, and you are lucky enough to join an international company where colleagues from different nationalities are open to making new friends. Of course, there are also Dutch colleagues who enjoy the company of foreigners.

Then one day, unexpectedly, a Dutch colleague invites you to her birthday party. The celebration is on a Saturday afternoon and you think: great, a party! Since you do not have many other plans, you decide to go and see what happens. The party is supposed to start at four in the afternoon; a little early by Spanish standards, but never mind.

You arrive sometime after five so that you will not be the first guest, only to find around fifteen people sitting in a circle around the living-room table (you will later discover that foreigners call this “The Circle of Death”). There are little flags hanging from the ceiling, bouquets of flowers and presents scattered around the table.

The hostess asks what you would like to drink and, of course, you think: “This is a party, right? What better way to start than with something light?” So you ask for a beer. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice several heads to your left turning in your direction. The hostess asks again, in a slightly friendlier tone, whether you would prefer coffee or tea. Feeling a little uncomfortable under all those questioning looks, you go for tea.

Before heading to the kitchen to prepare the brew, the hostess quietly asks whether you would like apple pie or chocolate cake. If you are lucky, there might even be three choices. The truth is, you are not really in the mood for cake.

The Circle of Death

Faced with all the serious faces and quiet conversations, you eventually sit down in the circle and wait to see what happens. That is when the torture begins. There are no spontaneous conversations; everything seems to follow a script: “Hello, my name is…” handshake; “Hi, I’m…” another handshake, with very little enthusiasm… Where are you from? How long have you been here? Do you speak Dutch? Where do you work?

More people arrive and you keep hearing the word gefeliciteerd, not only directed at the birthday person but at every member of the family. Then you find yourself answering exactly the same questions all over again.

After an hour of wondering when the action is going to start, bowls begin to appear containing peanuts, chips, tomatoes, olives, crisps, pickles, grapes, carrots, red peppers, cubes of cheese, pieces of sausage and a few other snacks bought at Albert Heijn or Lidl (depending on which supermarket happens to be closest to the party).

More people keep arriving from different parts of the country: the aunt, the brother-in-law, the nephews and nieces they only see a couple of times a year. The same routine: coffee or tea, a trip around the circle shaking hands and introducing themselves to everyone. The circle remains intact; if you end up sitting next to the birthday girl’s grandmother, you’re screwed. There is no escape.

It is now past six thirty and finally the wine and beer appear. If you drink more than three beers, the comments begin: “You drink quite fast, don’t you?” By around eight, after a few beers, you start getting hungry. You ask the hostess whether she has prepared anything for dinner and she smiles and tells you that what you see on the table is all there is.

There is no music, the conversations are boring and there does not seem to be any plan for the evening. After a slightly awkward goodbye, you decide to leave and find something to eat. If it is already getting late, you may have to settle for some greasy food from a Turkish fast-food place, as restaurants tend to work with reservations and can be full from around seven in the evening. If you fancy something better, you can always check our guide to where to eat in Rotterdam.

You eventually end up in a bar-restaurant-club until the early hours, reflecting on the “amazing birthday party” you have just experienced.

That was my first birthday party in the Netherlands. Of course, there are much livelier celebrations depending on the person organising the party.

My advice: if you are invited to a birthday party and arrive to find chairs arranged in a circle around a table, start thinking of a convincing excuse to leave early.

An expat birthday party in Rotterdam

More recently, I went to the birthday party of an American friend of a friend. There was chorizo, Spanish ham, fuet, cheese, alioli, bread and plenty of other good stuff.

There was a tray for the guests with hash, pills and other substances. The living room had been turned into a mini nightclub. Instead of complaining about the noise, the neighbours joined the party.

All kinds of different groups of people wandered around the small neighbourhood apartment, illuminated by neon lights. Getting into the bathroom was almost impossible because there always seemed to be groups of people in there powdering their noses.

The fridge was overflowing with wine and alcohol, while the terrace was packed with crates of beer and people smoking legal substances and dancing. Now that was a real party! At around four in the morning, I left fairly drunk and the party was still going strong.

A traditional birthday in the Netherlands

Birthdays are an important celebration in the Netherlands and are celebrated in many different ways. People often invite friends and family to their homes to celebrate with food and drinks. Cake is usually served and people sing the Dutch birthday song, such as “Lang zal ze leven”, followed by “Hieperdepiep hoera”. It is also common for the birthday person to receive presents from the guests.

It is also customary for the person celebrating their birthday to offer something sweet or savoury to friends and family. This is called a traktatie and is a way of thanking people for celebrating with you. Children often take these traktaties to school and, in many cases, make them themselves. I have seen some incredible traktaties. At work, it is also typical for the person celebrating their birthday to bring cake or pastries for their colleagues.

Things you may see at a traditional Dutch birthday: sitting in a circle with the other guests. Tea and cake. Congratulating everyone present. Opening presents in front of all the visitors. Being told you have “seen Abraham” or “seen Sarah” when you turn 50. Birthday calendars containing the birthdays of friends and relatives hanging in the toilet.

Some useful words for a Dutch birthday party are: Gefeliciteerd (congratulations). Taart (cake). Kringverjaardag (circle birthday party). Koffie (coffee). Thee (tea). Hapjes (snacks). Drankjes (drinks). Cadeau (present). Feesthoedje (party hat).

It has been a few years since I last found myself sitting in the Circle of Death. Apparently, the younger generation of Dutch people is changing. Hallelujah! If you would like to discover another of the country’s more unusual traditions, you can also read about the tradition of Sinterklaas in the Netherlands.